485g (1 pound) Frozen/fresh raspberries

15g/1 tbsp granulated sugar

2 tbsp water

INSTRUCTIONS: Pulse raspberries through a food processor for a few minutes until well blended. Strain the mixture through a chinois or fine sieve, pushing mixure through with a spoon and scraping the juice from the bottom periodically. You will have a lot of residue mixture in the sieve, throw this away. Take the strained raspberries and simmer over a low heat for a few minutes. Add sugar to taste, a tbsp will give you a tart coulis with a sweet edge. If mixture is too strong, add the water. If you are happy with the consistency, leave as is.  To make a raspberry sauce, add 2 tsp of arrowroot powder to a tbsp of water, mix thoroughly then add in  thin stream to the sauce, whisking all the time until fully incorporated. Cornflour can be used but it gives a more ‘processed’ texture to the sauce.

INGREDIENTS

Jocunde Sponge Base

Creme Anglaise

Raspberry Puree

Italian Meringue

INSTRUCTIONS

Prepare the sponge base and cook for 20 minutes at 180 C in an oval oven dish. Take the crust off with a knife and pour 200ml creme anglaise over the sponge and let it sit for 20-30 minutes. The sponge will absorb the creme, this is desired. Once the creme has been absorbed, spread 150ml raspberry puree/jam over the sponge and sprinkle with raspberries if so desired. Let it sit for another 15 minutes for the flavour to combine. In the meantime, fill a piping bag with the italian meringue. When ready, pipe large swirls over the raspberry puree in whatever design you choose, covering the dish. Turn the grill up to maximum temperature and grill the pudding until the meringue has caramelised slightly. This happens very fast so do not walk away, it takes roughly 2 minutes. Ensure that the meringue is evenly caramelised all over. Serve with the remaining creme anglaise.

November 23rd

The flavour is excellent, really lovely. The texture of the meringue compliments the soaked sponge and the sharpness of the raspberries goes wonderfully with the sweetness of the meringue. It should be served immediately once the meringue is browned, do not leave it as the meringue will lose its crunchy caramelised coating because of the humidity in the air. It could perhaps benefit from a layer of creme patissiere over the sponge before adding raspberry puree, to make a thicker vanilla layer.

To make individual servings, bake a sheet of jocunde sponge and cut out circles. Soak these in creme anglaise then pipe a small amount of creme patissiere onto each circle. Dribble on raspberry puree and top with 2-4 raspberries. Pipe meringue swirls over this so the raspberries and creme are completely covered. Caramelise using a blow torch and serve on a plate with fresh berries set in place with a dob of creme patissiere.

Standing Electric Food Mixer

Paddle Attachment

INGREDIENTS (yield 1  30 cm* 42 cm 1 inch thick sheet)

85g ground almonds

55g icing sugar

30g white bread flour

3 eggs

1 egg yolk

120g italian meringue

30g melted unsalted butter

INSTRUCTIONS

Put the ground almonds, icing sugar and bread flour into the mixing bowl. Add the first egg and turn on the mixer, with paddle attachment, to a medium speed. When the first egg is fully incorporated, add the next egg and so on until all 3 are fully incorporated. Turn the mixer on to high speed and leave for 5 minutes to incorporate air and make a light batter. Turn the mixer back down to a medium speed and incorporate the egg yolk. Turn the mixer off and fold in half of the italian meringue using a spatula. Slowly add the melted butter in a thin stream whilst folding with a spatula. Fold in the other half of the italian meringue, making sure that there are no lumps. Once the mixture is smooth and light it is ready to be baked. Different recipes call for different shapes and cooking times. Since this type of sponge is generally baked off in large sheets and used as a base, the cooking time for a 30cm * 42cm 1 ” sheet is 20 mins at 190 C.

November 23rd (10cm *30cm oval, 2 inch thickness)

The sponge is lovely and fluffy with a subtle almond flavour. It could benefit from a 1/2 tsp vanilla essence for sweetness. As this sponge is supposed to act as a base for other desserts, the flavour does not need to be strong. The texture is important. It is a slightly chewy sponge, durable enough to be soaked in liquor, or act as a base for stewed fruit, creams or mousse. It did not rise too much as it does not have a chemical agent. I feel happy with this recipe, it works very well and is very easy to make.

Bain Marie (bowl suspended over pan of hot water)

Electric Whisk

INGREDIENTS (Makes about 500 ml)

6 egg yolks (120ml)

145g granulated sugar

1/2 vanilla pod, split lengthways,

240ml whole milk

240ml double cream

1/2 tsp vanilla extract (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

The night before, put the whole mik and double cream into a saucepan. Split the vanilla pod and scrape the seeds into the pan then put the pod in too. Bring this mixture to simmering point over a low heat the remove. Wait for the mixture to cool (no longer than 90 mins) and put in the fridge overnight.

The next day, reheat the milk to simmering point over a low heat, then remove from the heat and take out the vanilla pod. In the meantime, whisk the egg yolks and sugar together on a medium speed until ‘ribboned’. This takes 4-5 minutes. When the milk has cooled slightly, add it in a slow steady stream down the side of the bowl, whisking continuously, until all the milk has been incorporated. Transfer the mixture to a bain marie and cook slowly, stirring all the time until the mixture begins to thicken. Turn the heat down to the lowest setting and stir until the mixture is thick enough to coat the back of the spoon. A good creme anglaise is delicate and light, it is not thick and lumpy like ‘birds eye custard’. If the cream is left too long, the eggs will curdle so do not leave the pan once you reach this stage. It takes roughly 5 minutes to make the cream over a low heat. Once the cream is ready, immediately remove the bain marie from the pan, as it will continue to cook if it is left over the heat, regardless of whether the ring is active or not. After a few minutes cooling time, set the bain marie in a bowl of iced water and stir every 10 minutes until completely cold. This helps to thicken the cream.  

NB If you do not have time to leave the mixture overnight, then simply proceed with the rest of the recipe, but add a half tsp of vanilla extract to the milk mixture when simmering.

November 23rd Overnight version

The vanilla flavour is really intense and deep, but delicate at the same time. No vanilla extract needed. I used  semi-skimmed lactofree milk because mother had to eat it. It did not adversely impact on the taste, the double cream has enough fat content to carry the creaminess. There is another version of creme anglaise which calls for whole milk and creme fraiche, which is a slightly heathier and ’zingier’. Good when the creme anglaise is used as an accompaniment as opposed to a base, excellent wih chocolate desserts. I slightly overcooked the eggs in this attempt as I could not see the texture of the sauce because of the sheer amount of froth, despite digging around. I suggest spooning the froth off before putting the bain marie over the pan and using it for coffee or hot chocolate. It tastes divine but it is a pain in the arse because it doesn’t dissolve and you cannot properly reach the actual cream with a spoon. If the egg has slightly curdled but not changed the taste, then the texture can be saved by putting it through a blender with 2-3 tbsp double cream. If however, it ressembles scrambled eggs then the best thing to do is start again. You can save the texture but you cannot change the eggy taste.

8 egg whites (240ml)

340g Caster Sugar

120ml Golden Syrup

120ml water

INSTRUCTIONS

Place egg whites in the bowl of electric food mixer, ready to be whisked. Put sugar, golden syrup and water in a clean pan and simmer until the sugar is disolved, then boil until syrup reaches 230 F (110 C). At this point, turn on the food mixer to high speed to whip egg whites into stiff peaks. Continue boiling the syrup until it reaches 240 F (115 C), the soft ball stage. This only takes a few minutes so be careful not to overcook the sugar. Turn the egg whites down to medium and add the syrup in a very thin trickle down the side of the bowl. Once all the sugar syrup is incorporated, continue to whip on a high speed until the meringue is cool and has formed stiff peaks. This takes about 10 minutes.

November 23rd

The meringue has an amazing, cloud like texture and a really beautiful slightly caramel aftertaste. This is because of the golden syrup. Adding either a glucose or golden syrup helps to stabilise the sugar and prevents it from recrystallising.  It is really important that the sugar does not go above softball otherwise it will be too hard and will not amalgamate with the egg whites. I slightly overwhipped the egg whites before adding the syrup but it did not seem to matter as the resulting meringue is not lumpy at all. The meringue should be glossy and mousse like.

One Trainee Patissiere

One Advertiser

Camden Tube

A Huge queue of hardcore Goths

An old pub

A crazy Chinese Restaurant

1000 Year Old Soup

Chill for 3 hours, then serve in separate bowls with lashings of awkwardness and blatant boredom.

Why did I agree to go out on a date with an advertiser. That was just sheer meshug on my part. I morally oppose advertising in general and specifically selling things people don’t need to those who do not have enough mental faculties to realise they are being conned. This is precisely what he did.  And he loved it.

We met at Camden tube station and had a wander around. He was like one of those package phone deals; seemingly he had everything yet when you actually begin to probe you find most things you want aren’t included in the tariff. He was very sparkly but not in a good way. His eyes were very bright, he was well dressed, his hair was perfectly groomed. It was all so….in place. Conventional. Normal. Acceptable. Boring.

We found a pub, got drinks and chatted about nothing in particular. He was particularly charming, talking about how he ‘saw his pasty’ several times during the night after an evening of heavy drinking. Now, maybe its just me but the first time I meet someone, I do not want to know about the last time they vomited. It is just not a conversation starter in my opinion. I realised very quickly that there would be absolutely no sexual chemistry whatsoever and was going to make a hasty retreat when he invited me out to dinner. Considering I was famished, I decided to agree. Call me a bitch, but a free dinner is always good.

There is a really fantastic Chinese Restaurant around near Camden tube called Teachi, I highly recommend it to anyone actually reading this! I’ll post a link soon. Anyway, we went there. He was a seriously unadventurous eater, so ridiculously unsuited to me as I love to eat everything weird! They have a fabulous array of weird dishes, including 1000 year old soup, fried lotus flower and ‘Buddha’s delight.’ God knows. We could have had bags of fun ordering the odd ones but no, that was too unconventional. He did not eat prawns, pork, lamb, spicy food, noodles or peppers. His favourite biscuit was a Jaffa Cake. Need I say more? And after all that, he didn’t even pay for me, we split the bill. So, so much for a free dinner.

I never know how to end these things. I’m terrible. Some strange previously unknown bout of englishness comes over me and I always feel like I won’t leave because I don’t want to be rude. Even if we blatantly have nothing in common, don’t fancy eachother and do not want to be there! It is most unhelpful. So we had one of those awful awkward goodbyes that makes you want to die inside, with the customary ‘I’ll text you’ whch makes me want to scream ‘no you wont you lying bastard’ whilst flinging a plate dramatically at a wall. Luckily for him, there were no plates and englishness does not permit this kind of behaviour. Needless to say we did not communicate again. Hardly a terrible evening but not very interesting either.

In cake terms, I’d rate him as a tarted up Victoria Sponge. He wasn’t hot enough to be Profiteroles. Just sparkly, conventional and bland. Absolutely everything you would expect from an advertiser. He would definately be an American dessert, all hype and no substance. He kind of reminded me of an Oreo cookie. They are ridiculous so much advertising for one horrid biscuit which is utterly incomparable to our custard/bourbon creams. I think I will settle for a New York Cheesecake with an Oreo base. Everyone seems to like it except me. Recipe following soon.

One Trainee Patissiere

One Trainee Accountant

A Cake Book

A Sushi Restaurant

A visit to Anne Summers

A Pack of Cards

A Mexican Bar

A mediocre kiss

Half bake for a 3.5 hours and serve, nonchalently on a plate with some coy bluffing sprinkled liberally over the top.

I sort of knew this was not going to go anywhere. He was an accountant. An interesting accountant, no doubt. But an accountant. Not that I have anything in particular against people that work in the finance sector, but they are never going to understand a woman who wants to spend her whole time faffing around with butter and sugar. They just aren’t. Much the same way that I don’t understand why people would want to spend their days counting other people’s money. That just does not seem very satisfying.

Anyway. He met me in the big Waterstones on Picadilly Circus.  I was sitting on the floor reading a cake book and giggling to myself. Sexy Fail. Then I started prattling on about an aubergine and chocolate cake. Even better. He took me to ‘Itsu’, because I had yet to sample the delights of a sushi bar. He was incredibly good looking, big dark brown eyes, gorgeous cheekbones (I have a thing about cheekbones) and a nice hairy chest. I could see a tiny bit of black hair peeking out from undr his shirt. It was sexy. He had this amazing deep voice as well which reminded me of really dark chocolate. If only his personality matched his deep chocolatey sexiness. He was adventurous in a conventional way. He was flirtatious in a conventional way. He was geeky in a conventionl way. He was promoting some club or other as a side job. He was interesting, but in a conventional way.There was just nothing which could offend, but nothing which could excite about him.

So we went to the Sushi bar, conversation was alright, nothing offensive although I think I shocked him by talking about a penis-shaped chinese male fertility gourd that my friend gave me and how I might grow a penis in the night. Perhaps this is not appropriate dinner talk. Then we took a detour to the back streets of Soho to try and find a shop that sold a pack of cards. Sex shops galore. And yes, we did go into Anne Summers. He made jokes about getting a pack of sexual favour cards.

 ’I'm sure we can fun with those instead, perhaps more fun’ he said to me suggestively whilst raising his eyebrows. 

I would like to point out at this point that I can be very flrtatious! In my head. Retrospectively. I admit, I laughed and ignored him on this occasion.

Eventually we found a small sweet shop that was selling cards, then found a bar round the corner and sat and played various games. Whilst it was fun, it became obvious that neithr of us was particularly comfortable flirting so there probably wasn’t much point in going further. Strained giggling when it came to betting and ‘so what are the stakes’ said in a pseudo suggestive tone.  When he asked me what would I want, what would make it more enticing for me to win, I said a box of chocolates and a new pair of gloves. I do not think that was the answer he was looking for. I think, on the whole, I was a flirtatious fail.

The evening ended weirdly. He gave me some weird, noncomitted kiss on the lips then got the tube. He sent me a couple of odd texts which avoided the whole date thing then I never heard from him again. His cop out line was ‘work is crazy. I had a great time but I dont think it is a good time right now to do anything else’. Sounds plausible, probably isn’t.

On the whole I rate him as an Iles flotantes with a bit of Tiramisu sexiness thrown in. Dessert-wise he reminded me of an After 8 Mint, dark and seductive but in a very conventional way. He would be hot though as he did have some brooding clean cut sexual energy about him. So I think he is a dark mint chocolate fondant. Recipe following soon.

10 inch loaf tin

CAKE

175g softened unsalted butter

175g golden caster sugar

1 large unwaxed lemon-zest

2 large eggs

175g sifted self raising flour

TOPPING

juice of 2 lemons

100g golden caster sugar

INSTRUCTIONS: Preheat oven to 180 and grease/line cake tin. Cream butter, sugar and lemon zest together until much lighter in colour and fluffy, should take 7-8 minutes. Beat in the eggs one by one, then fold in flour and salt. Pour into cake tin and level the surface with a palette knife, cleaning off any splashes around the tin with a cloth. Bake for 25-30 minutes, when it is done a skewer should come out clean. While the cake is baking, mix together the lemon juice and sugar. Once the cake is done, as soon as it is out the oven make small holes with skewer/cocktail stick and pour the syrup over the cake. Cool on a wire rack and slice.

November 6th- served sliced with lemon fondant icing and candied lemon peel.

This cake is really quite yummy but the flavour is not quite there. It is missing a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’. It is like a daisy when it should be a buttercup. Not quite mellow yellow enough. The cake mixture needs more zest, try zest of 2-3 lemons. Also the topping does not add much crunch at all. Try using granulated instead of caster sugar as the sugar crystals are larger. This version needed the lemon icing to perk it up. The candied lemon peel with the slightly caramelised candy sugar syrup provided a nice contrast, consider including this in recipe.

125g Chocolate melted

50g unsalted butter

1 tbsp golden syrup

¼ tsp vanilla extract

INSTRUCTIONS: Break the chocolate into small, roughly equal pieces and melt over a bain marie, ensuring that the bottom is not touching the water. When melted, add the golden syrup and stir until the mixture begins to thicken, then add the butter and vanilla extract and remove from the heat. The mixture should be thick and glossy. 

4^th November- luxury plain cooking chocolate

The golden syrup thickens and sets the melted chocolate. The butter induces a satiny glossy texture. Vanilla extract for flavour. Higher cocoa solids means slightly more butter is needed for a silky mouth. If using white chocolate, cut the amount of butter by a third, because of cocoa butter.

This depends heavily on the quality of the chocolate as to the finish. The chocolate used was low quality 45% cocoa solids and the finished product was not satisfactorily rich in taste. Use at least 70% cocoa because it needs to carry the golden syrup whilst not compromising on the richness of the cocoa. It sets reasonably firmly within 45 minutes. Pour onto cake, spread and leave to set before continuing with decoration. For a firmer glaze use more golden syrup. Try Lindt/green and blacks 70%, if not strong enough go to 85%. Add a small amount of acacia honey (tsp/200g chocolate) to improve the flavour. Try 40g butter instead of 50g.

November 6th- milk chocolate couverture

The first batch I made of this was an unmitigated disaster as the chocolate mixture overheated and turned into a very thick ganache with the addition of the butter. So I had to start again. You cannot rescue chocolate normally, only mourn it and sob inside. Then eat it. So the second batch had no butter because the kitchen for some bizarre reason is crass enough to only use margarine, lard and some disgusting vegetable shortening which I absolutely refuse to touch, even with a barge pole. So it became more like piping chocolate than anything else as it just had a reduced amount of golden syrup. Although the result was matte instead of glossy, it produced a satisfyingly crunchy layer to the cake which was quite pleasing. The downside was when slicing the cake it broke and so the presentation as sliced wasnt quite as good as I would have liked. Not that anyone seemed to notice or care they were enjoying it too much.

Piping Chocolate

200g chocolate

1 tsp golden syrup

INSTRUCTIONS: Melt chocolate over a bain marie then add the golden syrup. Once the mixture has thickened, remove from heat immediately and begin to pipe. This mixture continues to firm up once removed so you have to finish piping reasonably quickly. Run outs will harden in about 10 minutes. 

Sugar syrup to firm the chocolate mixture and set in place when piped.

So here it is, my fabled scale:

The Soggy Biscuit

Does this need an explanation? A man unattractive from every single point of view and deserving of nothing but contempt.

‘Bird’s Eye’ Custard

A guilty pleasure every once in a while, but someone you would never ever bring home to meet your mother, friends cat… the guy you text when you want a compliment. Then ignore.

Victoria Sponge Cake

Simple. Plain. Conventional, with pretensions of greatness, but in reality, boring as hell. You go on a date, he wants to go halves with you and talks about himself the whole time.

Profiteroles

He looks divine, he seems tantalizingly promising. He makes a fantastic first impression. He oozes charm. But the reality is so very, very disappointing.

Iles Flotantes

He is marginally acceptable. But unfortunately, what you see is what you get in the worst sense. He has no depth. He is distinctly average in every way and only good for a small amount of time due to his simperingly sweet nature. Too much will make you nauseous. He is just asking to be used and abused.

Dame Blanche

The dark horse. The man you didn’t expect to like but somehow, kind of do. Yet you can never work out how much you like him, or if you really do like him, or if you think you like him because he likes you. He has interesting qualities which you appreciate, yet there is a secret unrelenting part that wants more… the one you settle for.

Creme Brulee

You begin to have a feeling that something could work out with this guy. He has genuine potential. He is nice in every sense of the word, even kind of exciting sometimes. You would be content being with him. Not amazed. But content. If only he had the wow factor…

Tiramisu

We all have one. A guy who we go weak for. Who we know is bad for us, addictive, who we obsess over and lust over uncontrollably. This is the guy. We could even be in a relationship with them, and it could be great, but he is poisonously addictive and ultimately destructive.  Bad boys.

Croque en Bouche

The man who seems perfect. He seems like Mr Right. He just has everything that on paper, you want. He ticks all the boxes. He is handsome, funny, smart, loving, sexy, and your family loves him. You could be with him and be very happy. But inside there is a small part of you that still feels that there is something that is not there for you. Whether you listen is another matter…

Louis XV

The soul mate. The fabled one. The perfect match. You have no doubts. He is ‘the one’.